Happy Birthday, Amma!

Anyone remember this 90s quiz show called "Bournvita Quiz Contest"? Used to air for 1 hour on Sunday Evenings on Zee TV.

For some strange reason, over the past week, I had been watching a lot of old BQC episodes. Watching Derek O'Brien and the quizzing and the familiar show's soundtrack felt very comforting, gave me a sense of security. Initially, I didn't think much of it- just chalked it down to nostalgia. But only today, I realized with a shock that there was a deeper subconscious reason to it. 

Today, July 26th, is my mom's birthday- "was" my mom's birthday. We lost her about 8 years ago. After 8 years, I thought the pain would fade and become a little lesser but obviously my subconscious mind thought otherwise! You see, BQC also is a poignant reminder of times spent with my mom- sitting in the living room, she and I would tune in to Zee TV excitedly. Watching the show was one of the few times I'd see my usually calm mom become ebullient and childishly excited. Leaning on her legs and trying to beat her in answering the quiz questions remains to this day one of my most cherished memories.

Apparently, some hidden corner of my mind, knowing that her birthday was coming up, had dredged up some of that grief of losing her that I had pushed deep down. And, somehow I had sought out old BQC episodes just to feel secure once again, just to reconnect with those times with my mom.

We do have complex relationships with our parents, don't we? Courtesy the culture we grow up in and the generational gap that exists, I can definitely own up to a lot of exasperated eye-rolling and a lot of "I know what I am doing!" dialogues. Often, in all of that, I forget to acknowledge the their sacrifices or their hard work that has now built a better life for me. Or even acknowledge all the myriad ways they have tried to say "I love you". The South Indian culture that I grew up in is especially staid and stoic- unlike today, parents didn't gush about their kids or even say "I love you". It is tragic really that years after she passed, I finally realized that stroking my head affectionately (like she's doing in the picture above) was my mom's way of saying "I love you". Now that I think back, every-time she was proud of me or every-time I was super-stressed, I always remember her stroking my head. 

And today, long after she's gone, I realize she's still doing it. Why else would I suddenly feel like watching BQC so out of the blue, especially in the week of her birthday? 😌

So if you are reading this post today, take a moment to think about the people in your life- how do they say "I love you"?
Is it through "Have you eaten?" OR "Take your meds!" OR "Let me break that tablet into half to make it easier to swallow!", as my own dad says! 😁. Cherish it, revel in it and hold it close to your heart- trust me, when they are long gone, that is what remains with you!

"The ones that love us never really leave us, you can always find them in your heart"- Sirius Black